Sometimes it takes everything and then some to pull yourself together and get up and get out of bed. In fact, it’s taken me two week’s. I’ve had a migraine that has held on at a level 8/9 pain intensity. It’s blinding my vision, caused me to pass out more that a dozen times; I’ve hit my head and have a goose egg bruise on my forehead, I’ve come to with bruised ribs, twisted knee, and the list goes on… I lack the energy, the stamina and the vertigo is so severe to shower at times and the heat of a bath can be overwhelming I hate to admit but have only been in the shower/bath 3 times in 2 weeks out of fear of falling out and injuring myself but i will use a washcloth at the sink.
This is my first post in two weeks due to being so down and out and I hate that I’ve let it get the best of me. I try to never let my illnesses get me down or the better of me and make me quit like I have with this or my stomach which has taken me out of the workforce for 3+ years. I feel like a failure and a quitter. I was not brought up to be a quitter or a failure. It WAS NOT part of our families motto. It was ingrained in us to NEVER, quit, back down, give up…etc. We were fighters and competitors and champions. I drove myself to succeed and excel at everything! I was a perfectionist and strove to be the best always!
And now because of these illnesses and being bedridden and worn down all the time, I feel like BOTH a FAILURE and a QUITTER!! I refuse to let myself be defined that way ANY longer by my own internal dialogue or by anybody’s’!! The chatter chat goes on in my head must stop! I have to silence it somehow. I am a fighter and a WARRIOR!! I must stand up tall and take my life back!
People like myself and I can speak for myself and in generalities from posts I read that common experiences are that total physical exhaustion is a common phenomenon from having a secondary illness or dealing with a cold, migraine, flu, anything on top of what are chronic battles are. It’s an added drain. It’s like pulling a trailer on a car or running on empty. With no reserve there my body just crashes and burns and takes 10 x’s as long to try and recover.
And for me it is a FIGHT…A REAL BATTLE…to try a get up. To pick up the pieces and get myself going again. To start a slow speed and to start moving into drive again. It’s not like I’m an automatic car. I’m more like a 10 speed bike at first then moving into a manual drive car, slowly gaining momentum to join the pack at the Indy 500. That’s when the race begins. That’s when I feel like I’m getting back into the swing of the Life of the Living and not Life of the Living Dead anymore!
It’s so hard and so sad/depressing to watch life move on around you, beside you, without you. To keep on marching while you stand still or have to lay in bed idling not willingly, but out of sheer necessity because your body is shutting down giving you the big middle finger, the ultimate F-you. Telling you that no matter what YOU want it’s going to WIN every time and your needs and desires are at the bottom of the list. That includes your families, your hopes your dreams, everything has to get put on indefinite hold because your body doesn’t want to cooperate! When all you want to do is curl up and sleep despite the 15 hours you just got and you still wanting more, more, more. Never feeling rested enough. Or not sleeping at all because the pain you are in is robbing you blind of the precious hours you need to recover. Your body feeling like a yo-yo ball. Constantly going to Dr.’s who aren’t so nice, helpful and often treat you like a pariah. Which is nice compared to what you read of the treatment comments people post online….what people (myself included with chronic illness have to go thru is unbelievable)
I do try every day to put a smile on my face despite my mood, my interior or exterior physical feeling or health. Most days I try to at least change my clothes and even put on makeup even though I’m not going anywhere just to try and feel a little bit better and make myself feel better! I try and keep my surroundings clean and organized so I can keep my mind and spirit clean and organized.
I’m definitely OCD and it helps my mind and spirit with that aspect. I’m also a perfectionist. That’s what makes being so sick so difficult for me. I want desperately to be out working and contributing to society. To be super productive and active. To be physically active and competing in sports like I used to be back in the day. To be producing at a work level like I was. Its so hard to feel so ineffective and unproductive.
This is where Acceptance comes into play for me. Acceptance and my 12-Step Program Work.
I am in Recovery and have been working the 12-Steps for 19 years and find it to be extremely gratifying, therapeutic, rewarding, helpful and a lifesaver.
This is a Poem I wrote on 03/18/18 – JUST FEELING
Scared, shaken, torn up, quaking to the core,
not sure if I can carry this load one step more.
The burden weighs me down, scaring marks on my back,
Facing of demons and devils, it’s not tenacity that I lack.
I’ve walked the murky waters of the River Styx,
Satan is throwing fire and Brimstone into the mix.
So many challenges and burdens I’ve faced down head on,
My disease and the Devil both want me gone!
There’s many a time I’m willing to make the deal,
It seems like a bargain, an absolute steal!
I look at it all, in dollars and cents,
As my dad used to say: “Shit or get off the Fence.”
There’s so much suffering day after day,
So many times I’ve screamed, God, ” Please take me Away!”
This is not the way I mapped my life out to be,
There’s much on my bucket list still left to see!
I feel as if I’ve been physically beaten down,
Yet I suck up my pain, for no one is to see me frown.
Putting up fronts and pulling out masks,
Sticking to my business and caring for my tasks.
I’ve walked through the Valley of the Shadow of Death,
and I’ll do it again till I take my last breath.
I write a lot of poetry because I feel as though it’s often the best way I can express myself in many respects. Sometimes my truest emotions and feelings can come out in prose that I can’t put in any other way. I had a blog going for a good period of time while I was in treatment for my anorexia.. my last treatment center three years ago when I FINALLY surrendered the disease over. It was my 11th treatment center for my anorexia in Missouri. If you’d like to read that you can go to Calypsofree@blogspot.com – It’s under An Anorexics Journey and An Anorexics Journey II. (blogger or blogspot) All of those entries have my poetry with it. I will be adding a lot more poetry here too.